Dear Diary
by Linwe Ringeril
Summary: This was totally for fun, and i must warn you, it is purely fluff. It takes place when Janeway and Chakotay are on New Earth. He finds her diary, he reads her diary, and in the end it helps her with bottled up feelings of sadness for leaving her ship. It'
1. Chakotay Cleans House

**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek Voyager, or Janeway and Chakotay (may their love grow ever stronger), but I do own the story. Live long and prosper. -Linwe**

**Dear Diary**

It was a sunny afternoon on New Earth. Kathryn was checking her insect traps, but Chakotay, however, was "cleaning house," so to speak. He was presently looking for his medicine bundle. He made his way into Kathryn's bedroom. He was just glancing around when he saw a small, blue book on her bed. Normally, he'd never touch her belongings without telling her, but something made him pick it up and look in it.

Many pages of the book were filled with Kathryn's tidy handwriting. He sat down and flipped through it. It was her diary! He looked around just to make sure she wasn't' watching, and opened to the first page.

He was surprised. It wasn't a log of progress on work, but feelings. Her feelings. Something she rarely talked about… at least not what she was really feeling deep inside, and he knew the stress of being a lonely Starship captain was a great burden to bear. She was candid, yet very reserved and private about her feelings at the same time. An interesting mix, but that was Kathryn-- interesting as they come.

He read for at least an hour. Most of the entries were about the losses she felt when parting with _Voyager _and her crew. She also wrote much about how Chakotay was really helping her with those feelings of loss. When he read these, he was glad because he'd been trying hard to help, because he suspected she missed her ship more than she let show.

Some entries made him want to cry or her. This was an example of an especially sad one dated right after _Voyager_ departed:

_It's midnight. I think Chakotay's asleep. I feel so empty. My ship and crew are gone! I have Chakotay, but I still feel so alone. For the past three nights I've cried my self to sleep and hoped when I awoke that I'd be back on _Voyager_. I wish I could tell Chakotay. He's so sweet and helpful, but as former Captain, I'm going to bear this one alone. A captain never truly leaves her ship._

_Former Captain… that's all I am now._

He saw that there were wrinkled parts of the page that looked as though they had been wet at one time and their size suggested they were probably tears. He felt a large sadness for Kathryn, but went on. There was one that interested him the most, though:

_I think I'm falling for him! Why? Why? Why? I'll tell you why. He's a sweet, sensitive, gentle, caring, funny, not to mention handsome man! Just listen to me! I sound like a teenager who's hopelessly in love, going on like that about Chakotay! What about Mark?? I'm still wearing his ring, but I'll probably never see him again. And what if I find a cure and we're back on _Voyager_? What then? I couldn't possibly have a relationship with my first officer! It's unheard of! But…. That doesn't mean I can't still be in love with him…._

So, she was falling for him? He'd fallen for her about three months ago. This diary changed everything, he needed to see her.

He rose from the bed, unconsciously still grasping the diary in his hand. Suddenly Kathryn entered her bedroom, and froze. She looked at the diary and then at Chakotay, and then at the diary again. She turned and fled.

"No, Kathryn, wait!" Chakotay called after her, dropping the diary and rushing after her.


	2. A Touching Conversation

**Disclaimer: I still do not own Star Trek Voyager or Janeway and Chakotay (May they be forever together ) Live long and prosper. -Linwe**

Fifteen minutes later, Chakotay was still wandering aimlessly about the forest searching for Kathryn. He finally came to a low valley where the trees thinned. He walked forward and saw a boulder about as tall as he, with a sparkling pond around it like a mote. Sitting on top of the boulder was Kathryn, gazing at the blue sky and white clouds, unaware of Chakotay.

He stared for a whole minute, wondering at the beautiful sight in front of him. Kathryn's long, auburn hair was loose and all down her back and shoulders. She was wearing a flattering, simple, long blue dress that billowed softly in the whispering wind.

He stealthily climbed up the boulder behind Kathryn so her back was to him. It was large enough for two people to lie comfortably on.

"Kathryn?" She must have jumped a meter in the air.

"Uh… oh… Chakotay! I didn't… er…see you or hear you come up." She said curtly.

"I know. I think we need to talk."

Silence.

"Look, I'm _really_ sorry about reading your diary. I promise never to go through your things again without permission… I promise." He said pathetically.

"It's alright."

"What?"

"I-I forgive you." She inhaled and turned to face him. "Chakotay, about what you read… well, did you read the _whole_ diary?" She asked. He nodded, and then she looked down, avoiding his eyes, and he saw a single tear fall.

"Kathryn, I'm so sorry, I really am!" He said, very concerned, taking her hands in his. "If I had known this would've hurt you so much, I never would have even picked up the diary!" She looked up at him.

"It's not just about that anymore."

"Then what _is_ it about? Why are you so upset, Kathryn?"

"It's just about everything all piled up together." Their plight suddenly wasn't as small as her diary being read, she was finally letting her feelings and insecurities get the better of her. "I'm a failure! A good captain goes down with the ship, I let an _insect bite_ make me abandon ship!" She sniffled angrily, and wiped her nose. Chakotay gazed at her, sincerely concerned, but silent. She swallowed and continued. "I can't take it sometimes, Chakotay, accepting that we'll be here for the rest of our lives! Leaving _Voyager_ and our crew!" she looked around as though frustrated, but then her expression changed. "Yet, in a way, I'm glad, I can be Kathryn here, not Captain Janeway, so I can have feelings." She looked down slightly and her face contorted in anguish again. "But, Chakotay, I'm unfaithful!" she almost whispered. "I allowed myself to develop certain feelings for another while I'm still wearing Mark's ring! I…I…" She broke down sobbing and could speak no more.

Chakotay gently embraced her, holding her shaking body against his, letting her draw from his strength. He had learned at an early age that sometimes women just needed to talk for a while and let everything spill out before they could feel better. His skill of listening and comforting at the right times came from being around his mother and sister too much.

After she'd calmed a bit, he finally spoke.

"Kathryn, you're not a failure. I am 100 sure no one on _Voyager_ thinks you are. You had absolutely no control over who that insect bit. I'm also pretty damned sure everyone aboard _Voyager _would rather see their Captain safe and alive off the ship, than dead on the ship. And Kathryn…" he paused, unsure of how to continue. "Unless you're a Vulcan you can't control your feelings. You're not at fault and you're not unfaithful. You haven't dome anything you'd regret." He reached out and tilted her chin up so she was looking at him. "Please stop crying?" She smiled.

"Ch…Chakotay," was all she could say, she was so touched by his speech. "Thank you… that must have been the kindest thing anyone's ever said to me. And thank you so much for listening to my rambling, I really needed to let it out."

"I understand, it's not healthy to bottle up your feelings, Kathryn," he said. "If you ever need to talk, I'm always available." He said gazing into her eyes.

"Thank you," she said again as they released each other. Chakotay climbed down off the boulder and lifted her down after him. "Chakotay?"

"Yes, Kathryn?"

"No more reading my diary." She said sharply, half teasing, as she walked ahead of him toward their shelter.

**Fin**


End file.
